Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Reasons Why I Hate Myself and Why They Are All False
You're asexual. You're never going to have a lasting romantic relationship because of it.
Not true. I was engaged once, remember?
Oh yes, what a happy relationship that was.
You say "asexual" and people assume you're aromantic too. Even if they didn't, they'd steer clear.
That's their fault, not mine. If they don't care enough to ask or to assume, then they obviously aren't worth it anyway.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Guess it's a good thing you're ace anyway, since so many people have touched you now.
That wasn't my fault and it does not make me dirty or broken.
It's cute when you pretend like you believe that. You can't even keep platonic friends. No one likes you. You're annoying, needy, and constantly faking some emotional disaster just for attention.
Not true. Everyone's a little annoying and needy sometimes, but I actually have proof that people at the very least put up with me without too much irritation.
See, you can't even fully commit to saying people like you. You're so afraid of everything. You won't take the trash out because of your neighbor and you won't go to class because people might casually glance at you.
That is true. But considering those crippling fears, you've got to admit it's pretty impressive that I do actually take out the cat litter and do actually go to class half the time.
You're failing math.
That's an exaggeration.
Your house is a fucking disaster.
Yes, well. Y'know I've been involved in seven dances and three conferences this semester, on top of the measly seventeen hours of school, the occasional work day, and being chronically ill. I think I shouldn't be so hard on myself in the cleaning department.
Speaking of work. When was the last time you did that? You're such a difficult employee and you're lucky if you even still have a job.
Very true, I am lucky. I do wonder about this, but I know I also do the best I can, and any and all trouble I've had here has legitimately been out of my control, whether other people believe me or not.
You're mentally incapable of holding a full time job, you realize that, right? You're just going to end up living with your mom.
I refuse to believe that. No, I could not hold a regular full time job, but that's not what I'm after.
Oh yeah, the starving artist thing. You'll be good at that, since you don't eat anyway.
I'm working on that one.
Sure. There's the whole cutting thing. You working on that? That's pretty gross. And shameful. I'm ashamed to even know you.
Addictions are hard. Recovery is a neverending process.
Thanks. Rationally speaking, I think that might be an exaggeration.
Since when are you rational? And why are you such a shitty daughter, btws?
It's complicated, and you know it. I love my family. I may not be the best family member, but I do hope they all know I love them, even when I don't talk to them.
You're kind of an idiot. You don't know how to talk to people, you can't do anything right, and it takes you like, five minutes just to remember how to subtract.
Okay, well. First off. Even if you use the argument of me growing out of my intelligence, somehow I still got into grad school and got an assistantship so I can't be that stupid. I may not be socially smart or mathematically smart, but please remember that, while those are important and valid, that's not all there is in life.
So remind me, what the heck is the point of a dancer who physically cannot dance due to injury?
I mean, at least I have a good excuse for not being very good.
Remember that time you had a panic attack while watching the stars? On a peaceful, relaxing night? Ha, good times.
Again, not my fault. That's out of my control and there is no shame in that.
Or the dozens of times in class, while eating, sitting calmly with friends, or on any of the other nice happy days of your life? Lolz.
That does not make me broken, shameful, or less of a person.
Keep telling yourself that. Maybe you'll believe it one day.
You're probably going to commit suicide one day.
But not today.
The only reason you're even writing this is because you don't believe any of it, and you're trying to convince yourself.
Yes. Because that's better than accepting it.