Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Dear Yesterday

Captain,

Here is some of your stuff back. They are things I mainly liked because of their sentimental attachment to you, which obviously is now nonexistent. But they are also things I'd feel bad just ditching, because they belonged to you long before you met me.

You may notice that this is hardly everything you've ever given me.

Perhaps it's selfish of me, but there is no way I'm giving back everything. Most of it I enjoy completely separate from you, and forget there's even a connection unless someone asks where it came from. Then I laugh a little gleefully because it's mine now, and maybe that's wrong of me. Oh well.

No, there is no diamond ring in this box. I thought about giving it back, but then decided not to. If I had broken it off, I would. But I did not. You dumped me. When I put together this box of your stuff, I thought about giving it back again, but ultimately decided not to.

Oh, you. What an immature little boy you are. Or were, at least. It is unfair of me to assume you haven't changed.

Since making this box, I've discovered you've gotten engaged. Congratulations. I wish you and your girlfriend of three months a happy future, but somehow I doubt that's what will happen.

I'm trying not to be snarky and mean, I swear.

I wanted to thank you. As much as I hate to admit it, you helped me a lot during our years together. You were there for me though a lot of shit and made many things easier to bear. I really, really thought I loved you. And you certainly convinced me that you loved me.

But so many things were not okay with us and I am so, so, so glad you broke my heart before I married you. It was not okay for you to promise me the rest of our lives, because I believed you and gave you everything. I let you suck me dry because I thought I was doing it for love and for a relationship that was worthwhile.

I didn't realize how terrible our relationship was until it was over. You treated me like a child and then got upset when I grew up. You assumed I couldn't do things and then would get upset when I really couldn't. You kept trying to cure my introverted self while telling me how you liked me just the way I was. You talked of all the adventures we'd have together and then decided we'd stay in Birmingham forever, without ever even asking me. You kissed another girl, and I forgave you. All of these things I forgave, and I kept on loving you.

I don't want to hold grudges and cling to the past. But I had to acknowledge the wrongs that happened not only in order to handle it, but in order to learn. I don't want to have a string of broken engagements (like you *cough*).

I'm upset at how replaceable I was in your life. I'm upset at how much I gave you. I'm upset at how much you took. I'm upset at how much I trusted you.

I worry that you'll treat your fiancée the same way. But that's none of my business.

Despite all of these things, I am happy now. I am very happy. I'm happy with what I've accomplished and what I'm doing. I'm happy with the man I'm with now. Part of me wishes you're immobilized with regret and longing, but part of me hopes you're happy too.

Most of me just doesn't care and wants to be done with it.

This is just me, clearing the air and giving myself closure. This is not an opening for us to be friends or to talk or to meet up and settle things face to face. Hell. No. I really don't ever want to speak to you again.

But here's your stuff.

--Dexter