Friday, October 23, 2015

A Frustrating Disappointment

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid of being a disappointment. It's probably one of the main contributors to my success in school. I was terrified of disappointing my teachers, so I was always in class, always did my homework, always did everything possible to earn their approval.

Frustration comes when you've worked on something for a long time and just can't get it. That math problem that just won't make sense, that one sentence that just won't form correctly, that one dance step that you just can't get down. You try and you try and you try and you try, and it just won't work. So you get frustrated and you stop.

This semester has been impossibly difficult for me. The workload is not an issue. Really there's nothing wrong. I just can't get it. I can't make myself go to class and I can't put in the effort like I used to. I can't get excited and I can't stop thinking negatively, and I just can't rouse up any cares for anything.

My teachers have been surprisingly patient, especially when I explain things to them and convince them that I am trying. But at one point I know one professor just had too much on her plate and I was the straw that broke her back. She snapped and said I was just a huge frustration (I was not supposed to hear this). She sent me a very long apology later on, but that one little word sent me over the edge too.

I feel like my whole life I have been trying and trying and trying to not drown in life. I feel like I've tried everything. I "let go and let God" but then just feel like I'm not praying hard enough to earn mercy, which I know is not how that works. I listen to therapists and learn their coping methods, and then I fail and disappoint them. I use my own coping methods and end up hating myself. I go on medication that helps and then doesn't. It just goes on and on and on and no matter what people say it really doesn't seem like it's going to get any better, especially not anytime soon.

I feel like a completely frustrating disappointment to this world. I disappoint teachers by not trying hard enough. Disappoint counselors by not "wanting to get better enough." Disappoint family by not loving enough. Disappoint friends by not caring enough. Disappoint fianc├ęs by not being passionate enough. Disappoint God by not wanting to live enough.

And I'm just a huge frustration to everyone because I can't seem to get better. I just take up space that could be used by someone who deserves and wants and tries more than me.

This does not inspire me to try harder. It just twists my soul into knots and lifts up lies and guilt and shame and fear.

People keep telling me I have to keep trying or just try harder. Or do better. Or whatever. I have been trying my hardest my whole life. This is the first time where I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why, but all that trying has just worn me out and I got pretty damn far all things considered.

Then you have the facebook posts about how people with mental disorders can't help it, that they shouldn't feel bad for trying and failing and not operating the same way other people do.

But if it's okay for me to fail at all of the antidepressant behaviors and crap . . . then how the hell am I supposed to get any better? I know no one can fix my life for me, but obviously I can't either. And really I don't think anyone knows how to do anything. We're all just making really optimistic guess that usually come out right. I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep on struggling and trying to succeed with coping behaviors and antidepressants and natural endorphin highs (and even unnatural endorphin highs) when I still just get tired. There is literally no method that doesn't just make me exhausted from trying so desperately hard to do it right.

I'm sorry I haven't written anything inspirational or uplifting or cheerful or hopeful or even sensible lately. I've tried. I've tried to break myself out of this that way, but that doesn't work either. The past two days my head has just been filled with personal disappointment and personal frustration and I've got to get it out.

I know these things aren't necessarily true. Surely I know this. I've got to know this somewhere inside. Because I know people will comment and text and call and do all the things people do when their friends are needy or legitimately in trouble. I know these things will happen. I know people care about me and I know not everyone is disappointed and frustrated.

But somehow it just doesn't matter.

--Dexter

PS. I'm way too good at depressing zingers.