Friday, September 19, 2014

Positive Affirmations

Ever since I was in the hospital, I've been doing positive affirmations, but I've been doing it my own way. Positive affirmations are when you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something good about yourself, basically. "Whispering sweet nothings to my reflection," is how I once put it. Although the point is that it's not nothing, it's true.

I'm not exactly one to say things to myself in the mirror, but I do do them. When I do my Bible study, I always finish with writing down my positive affirmation. And let me tell you, it is hard. The first month or so of it were full of times when I almost didn't write it down, when I couldn't bear to put down the words, when it took me several minutes for me to scribble it as fast as I could. Because I just don't believe it at first. Of course, that's why they exist. To get you to believe the truth.

My very first positive affirmation was "I am brave." I was recovering from sexual assault as well as confronting my lifelong anxiety problems, so I had a ton of fear to deal with. I told my reflection it was brave a few times, and wrote it in my prayer journal daily. Eventually, I got to where I could write it pretty easily. Eventually, I got to where I believed it. Eventually, I got to where it started to show.

After a while, I needed to add a new affirmation. My second one was "I am beautiful." I have always entertained the fantasy in the back of my mind that I am secretly gorgeous and fabulous and all of that, but of course I've never believed it. I've always been afraid to try because I feel like I'll just show off how ugly I am. But I started writing it down along with "I am brave." It was just as hard as "brave" had been. But it got easier. Now it's second nature. Now, I can even look in the mirror and be okay with what I see (on good days, of course).

Today, I added another affirmation. "I am loved." It took me a long time to write it down. My faith has been somewhat stagnant recently, my personal Bible studies off and on. It feels extremely arrogant and presumptuous to say that I am loved. It feels like I am forcing other people to love me, like I am telling them that they love me and they can't do anything about it.

But it is true. I am loved. I am loved by God, I am loved by the Captain, I am loved by my family. By my mother, who I've honestly never quite understood and I admit I've questioned her love before. I am loved by my siblings, who I've also never understood. I am loved by my father, who I had never once questioned before but now have suddenly started to doubt. I am loved.

I don't know what the heck is going on in my heart and soul right now, honest. I do my Bible study at random, sometimes going weeks without opening my Bible. I don't always make it to church. I love God. I know He loves me. I don't doubt Him at all. Maybe I don't feel good enough for Him right now (which is silly), or maybe I've let myself get too caught up in my personal miseries.

Whatever it is, I'll get through it. You'll get through it. I am loved. You are loved too.

--Dexter

Monday, September 1, 2014

Boredom.

One of two things will happen when I've been bored for long enough. Sometimes they both happen. The first option, which I try to avoid, is I get depressed and literally sprawl on my bed or the couch or the floor for multiple hours before dragging myself to the shower. The second option is ponies.

I have a very, very large collection of mystery figurine ponies. 38 total, currently.

So yesterday I pulled them all into the living room along with some of my larger figurines, a dalek keychain, and my Thor action figure. They had a very exciting adventure in which Fluttershy taught the others that by showing the elements of harmony to enemies, they could make friends. Of course, Twilight took all the credit and then regenerated into an alicorn. Typical.

But this is what happens when I'm left alone all weekend with nothing to do. Dalek's start harmonating instead of exterminating. I watched TV for three hours yesterday. I played about six hours of computer games. I drank a lot of coffee. I annoyed a lot of people with constant text messages about how bored I was.

Sorry about that.

But I have to admit, I had fun with those ponies. They bring me great joy in life. No doubt we'll have many more adventures in the future.

--Dexter