Monday, August 18, 2014

6 Month Anniversary

I know, I haven't been so good about updating the blog over the summer. I just had a lot going on, but nothing really seemed important or interesting enough to write about. I got a summer job at a burrito place, where I guess I learned a lot about how to deal with people. I starting running to keep in shape and renewed some old friendships. I changed my hair color.

And now here I am, a sophomore in college. Classes start Wednesday. I'm in an apartment with some friends I met last year. I just won a game of My Little Pony Monopoly about two hours ago. Life's going along pretty nicely.

It has been six months since I entered the psychiatric ward. Six months since I wanted to die. Six months since I've hurt myself.

Not gonna lie. It's kind of a big deal.

No, I'm not "all better." I still have daily battles with depression, anxiety, and all the fun stuff that came along with the psychological trauma. I function slightly better in the real world, but often times, it's hard. Often times, I end up in my room on my bed, wishing for a fraction of a second that I could just let everything go. Often times, I catch myself trying to come up with ways that I could hide cuts from people. But I haven't actually done anything.

And y'know what? I think it might be getting easier to survive.

Six months is a long time. Sometimes the only thought that keeps me "clean" is the knowledge that I've made it this far, and if I fall even once then I'm back at square one. I don't want to have to tear off a new sheet and it be zero days since the last incident. Heck, I want to be sitting here in February, writing about how it's been a whole year since that awful day I found myself in the psych ward.

That's kind of why I'm writing this. Because even though I'm pretty optimistic right now, I know there will be days when I won't be. And maybe by putting all my thoughts down, by letting you all in on this great anniversary, I might be able to get through it.

I just can't let myself forget who I was, and who I am now, and all the people I've been in between. God has led me down a winding and exciting path, and I know He has plenty more in store for me.

--Dexter