Thursday, April 25, 2013

Life Isn't Fair.

Remember how I said that Katie and HK also went and auditioned at Southern Mississippi for the dance department?
 
Well, neither of them got in. Katie's still going, so we're still rooming together, but... she can't be a dance major.
 
That was a rough day when I found out about that. It was last Thursday, actually. I was incredibly stressed out because I know how important dance is to Katie. She dropped everything to pursue dancing, and I was sure she'd just feel like all her dreams had been crushed. It's like every time she has tried to do something with her dancing, life just smacks her down and shouts, "You can't dance!"
 
Maybe she's not a perfect dancer. But she's still amazing at modern and she's amazing at choreography. I mean, seriously. Her choreography is amazing.
 
But the hardest part about all of it was that I knew I wouldn't be able to do a single thing to make her feel better. How am I supposed to comfort her or tell her it'll be okay when I did get into the dance program? Not only did I get in, but they moved me up a level in ballet classes based on how I did in the audition! If I were to say, "Katie, it's going to be okay," she would respond, "Of course it's going to be okay for you. You're perfect." She might not say it out loud, but I guarantee she'd be thinking of it.
 
She and HK apparently had a sleepover that night while I was freaking out and telling The Captain all about the problem. The next day, HK confided in me and said that Katie was pretty upset and that she'd actually said, "I just wish I could be Dexter. She has it so easy." Which confirmed my insecurity. And also confirmed that Katie has never quite caught on to my problems, which isn't really a bad thing.
 
I think I was more depressed that day than she was. She showed up to ballet and was fine. And that was after I'd had a mental breakdown, hid in the studio kitchen, and played with pointy objects. But yeah.
 
Anyway, fastforward to yesterday. Katie choreographed a dance for her Senior Banquet Talent Show thingamajig, and the first couple of times I watched it my only response was, "Aw, that's so cool. She aces choreography yet again." But then later she told me that it was kind of her testimony about how she had wanted to dance so bad but now everyone was telling her she couldn't.
 
And then I started listening to the words of her song and I almost started crying right there as I watched it. Because it was so beautiful and so sad. I don't want Katie to be me because no one should have that thrust upon them, but sometimes I wish so bad that I could give her my dancing. I always wanted some kind of confirmation of my dancing ability, and now that I keep getting it this year, I just wish I could get rid of it. Because it's not fair.
 
I hate it.
 
Both HK and The Captain told me (separately), that I put my own feelings aside and let myself go for other people, because when my friends are in trouble, I hurt just as much as they do. And both of them said it wasn't even a bad thing, but that it's not my responsibility to make sure other people are okay. But how am I supposed to be okay if they aren't?
 
I pray for them every day, but sometimes I don't think I trust God to take care of them. It's kind of weird, but... I just feel like if I don't keep an eye on them or think about them or pray for them or worry about them enough, something will happen to them. But God's got them, doesn't he? He's holding them tightly in his hands and he's not going to let them go just because I stop freaking out.
 
I tell myself all of that, but I don't think I'll ever be able to relax. I just want them to be okay.
 
I just spilled coffee all over Starbucks.
 
This day is going fabulously.
 
--Dexter.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Seasons

I've had a very rough week, and I've done things I'm not proud of and gone places I shouldn't have. But I'm doing better. God brought me back and I think today especially he's been trying to teach me a few things.
 
So I have this Celtic Daily Prayer book. There's a lot of different prayers in it, but my favorite part is that they have little readings for each day, enough to last for two years. It'll have an excerpt from something or just a basic lesson, and then three Bible passages to add some context, and then maybe notes on some Celtic saint or martyr who can relate. It's very cool, and some days the passage hits the mark exactly.
 
Yesterday was the first really okay day I've had all week, and the reading was about people who suffer. It talked about how some people suffer and are instantly delivered when they ask God for help, and then others ask and ask and pray and pray but the pain never goes away. Of the two kinds of people, which has more faith? Which is closer to God?
 
Both. There is nothing wrong with the second person just because God hasn't removed the pain from his/her life. It is not because of a lack of faith on his/her part. One of the Bible passages for that day was Daniel 3:14-18. Nebuchadnezzar is trying to make Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego bow down to his gods instead of their god. But they replied (verse 16-18), "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
 
But even if he does not. That one phrase struck me hard. Because it's true. Sometimes, God doesn't make everything A-Okay. He obviously hasn't turned the world into sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. Sometimes even those with rock-hard faith suffer. Oftentimes, in fact.
 
I don't think faith is believing God will save you and let you live happily ever after and never be in pain again. Faith is more trusting God and understanding that whatever happens, happens because of his will. Maybe you'll never feel better, maybe you'll never escape the pain, but...God still has a purpose for you. And that's something very hard for me to accept some days.
 
Today's reading had to do with seasons. "Our Lord is a seasonal God; He comes, He departs. His faithfulness never changes, but His seasons do! There are seasons when the tree is green, there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the thing looks dead. Now, does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be, that it is only through seasons that true growth may come? ...The Christian and the Lord's body both need rain and sunshine, cold and hot, wind and doldrums."
 
"Seasonal" is a very apt description of my life. My ups and downs are drastic and unexpected and frequent. When I'm up, I am up. And when I'm down...well.

I've always thought that the more suffering I go through, the more broken and downtrodden I will become. I felt like I knew myself well enough to be able to say that when I break, I don't mend very well. I'm left with open wounds that never heal into a scar. But maybe all that is just an excuse. Maybe I am fragile, but I can't stay like this. If I want to actually get better, then I need to try.
 
Depression is a weird state of mind. It scares me, because I know how determined I get to believe the worst and to assume the worst and I know how awful I feel on a "bad day". And even when I feel better, I still believe half the things that overpowered me when I felt bad. It's just that I'm "okay" with it all. I don't mind it so much. It's easier to live with. The pressure inside is a little more relaxed.
 
And what really kills me is that when I feel so awful again, I won't think to come back and look at these things that so inspire me now. I won't believe any of it anymore. And that's what scares me so much.
 
--Dexter

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I'm Going To Be A Dancer!


Remember my Last College Dance Audition? Well, I have orientation this weekend so I emailed the dance department and asked when I'd be able to know about my acceptance. Because if I didn't get accepted, I would have to switch my major before orientation. I expected them to email back and say they'd let me know right after the last audition date (which was last Saturday).
 
But no.
 
They emailed me back with my early acceptance letter. They liked me so much that they were going to accept me regardless of who all auditioned April 6th. Which means I'm a good dancer. Which means I'm going to dance in college.
 
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I'm excited.
 
...SO EXCITED.
 
PLUS my best friend Katie is for sure going to USM as well (even if she for some reason she doesn't get into the dance department) so I have a roommate! AND HK auditioned as well, so the trio might be unbroken! I cannot tell you how happy this makes me!
 
I feel like my life is finally starting to calm down and work itself out. I have The Captain, I have a college future, I have a dance future, I get to stay with my best friend. It all makes me very worried that something terrible is going to happen. For now I'm just going to assume that that bad stuff is just all the pain my knees are currently in, so I won't have to worry about anything else falling into my life.
 
loljk can't wait to see what else gets thrown at me.
 
--Dexter