Thursday, February 28, 2013

God Cracks Me Up.

So I've been depressed lately, we've already established this. But I was getting better and was starting to rise from my depression and a fighting spirit was growing inside me. I was ready for that ballet performance this morning, I was ready for my dance audition this Saturday, I was ready to conquer the tendonitis in my knees, I was ready to get over Prince Charming.
 
Well, that lasted a day or so.
 
It's hard to shake depression. It's a clingy, gloomy sensation that insists on making itself known. It may retreat the back of my mind if forced, but as soon as the noise and the friends and the dancing goes away, the depression swaggers back in. I can almost hear its evil laughter as it whispers, "You are mine."
 
I really was going to get over Prince Charming. I'm not going to be able to see him for who knows how long anyway, so what better time to get him out of my head? I even accepted the fact that he would be gone, because I know better than anyone that I can get kind of obsessive about these kinds of things. My world will start revolving around a person or an activity until it gets a little out of control... So I figured God was leading Prince Charming on a different path, one better for him and one better for me.
 
But oh my GOSH as soon as I "resolved" my issues, he just randomly started popping up all over the place. After running into each other once or twice, my brain just randomly shouted, "YOLO!" and started... well, indulging itself in fantasies, perhaps? I'm pretty sure Prince Charming now thinks I am the most annoying person in the entire world, because I was all, "This is my last chance!" even though it's not.
 
But anyway. I got so wrapped up in being upset about him skipping out of my life (or am I skipping out of his? hard to tell with such complicated schedules), that I forgot about my first reason to be depressed about him: the fact that he doesn't give a rat's whiskers about me. I was randomly reminded of this fact only a few hours ago.
 
I've heard that other girls like him, which, y'know, makes sense because he's amazing. But put me in comparison with any other girl out there, and I'll fall short. It's not even worth calling it competition. So even if, by some miracle, Prince Charming and I were to encounter each other every day, it wouldn't matter. There would always be a prettier, funnier, less socially awkward girl. It's a sobering thought.
 
So, as I mulled over these thoughts mixed in with worries about Saturday's dance audition, the depression sensed an opening and started to creep in. I know from experience that once depression finds a doorway, it will fill up every crevice of my heart. The smallest thing may allow it passage inside, but once it's there, nothing is safe. I was not letting it in again.
 
So I grabbed my Bible and opened it at random, finding myself at the very beginning of Job. Instantly, the basic plotline of Job flickered through my mind: tragedy. Throughout all his misfortunes, though, Job remained steadfast in the Lord. "Patience of Job," as they say. I found the differences between Job and myself rather amusing, but unhelpful, so I flipped forward in the Bible, coming to Lamentations. More tragedy. Moaning and crying out to the Lord for deliverance.
 
Job's life sucked. The people in Lamentations? Their lives sucked. But Job never gave up on God. If he can withstand all the terrible things that happened to him, I think I can conquer this stupid depression just this once. I am not letting it back in over something as stupid and trivial as a boy. I don't care how gorgeous his smile is.
 
Most of this is all talk. There's no denying that I'm still head over heels for Prince Charming. But as I stared at Lamentations, I couldn't help laughing. This time, there was no dramatic rescue from my depression. Just a gentle reminder from God that other people have had to get through crap before too, and most of it was crappier than my crap. I'm fully convinced that they were all stronger in every way than I am, but that doesn't mean I can just give up.
 
I'm gonna go to that audition and I'm gonna dance my heart out. I don't even care all that much about getting into this particular college, so I'm just gonna have as much fun as I can. I want to show those people something they may not have seen before. I want to be strong in my God and shine with His confidence and His love. I want to conquer my depression just this once.
 
I have no idea what God has in store for me. I read into everything, finding signs in the strangest things, and so far all I've figured out for sure is that anything could happen. So I'm going to try one last time to just not worry about it and let God handle it. Me freaking out about it won't help.
 
--Dexter

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 8 - Love

1 John 4:16 "God is love."
 
This is a big one. So simple, and yet so big.

God doesn't just love us like crazy, He is love. He is the definition of love. Try reading 1 Corinthians 13 with 'God' in the place of 'love'. It's an interesting exercise, and not only does it reveal some things about God, it reveals some things about love. Our God is a jealous God, but 'love does not envy'? Jealousy and envy are two different things. This is something I had to remind myself of.
 
I'm still not in a very good place right now, but I'm getting better. I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the day this morning, after breaking down randomly on my drive to work. But I settled down, and gradually began to get better. It's amazing the way God ministers to me and it's amazing the things He has given me. My friends are awesome.
 
I think I may let this day's word spread out over a few more days. Love is kind of an obvious word, but it's so big that I'd like to give it more thought. I looked it up in my Bible's index, and it was an entire page of tiny print of where all 'love' is mentioned in the Bible. I looked at only a few today, and plan on looking up the rest later.
 
Song of Songs 8:6 "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame."
 
Psalm 107:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."
 
--Dexter

Monday, February 25, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 7 - Planner

As I mentioned during my last day's post, I've been having a rough couple of days. I've always told myself that I need to trust God and be patient and have faith that He will have some kind of plan for me. But lately, that's just been really hard to believe.
 
I just don't understand why. I've found myself asking God why so many times in the past few days. I don't really expect an answer; He does things in His own time.
 
But God doesn't make mistakes. He does everything for a reason. And that's why I don't understand how He could make me. What possible reason could He have for making such a broken thing? I may not make anything worse, but I definitely don't make anything better. I contribute not at all to society. I am invisible. If I were to disappear, nothing at all would change. What can I do that would justify the creation of me? Why would God even bother?
 
I hate feeling like this. I get into a circle of self-hate and anger. I hate that I can't stand my life because my life is not that bad. There's nothing really wrong with it. I have no right to complain. And I still can't shake the emptiness inside me. I don't understand why I can't fill it up with God. I cling to His word and curl up in prayer, and I thought I'd banished this depression for good. But I guess not. It crept back up on me and all I can do is beg God to keep me from doing something I'll regret. He has been remarkably faithful in that regard.
 
But why make such a broken thing? I have a hole inside me and it won't go away. What use am I to anyone if it's all I can do to keep my eyes on God and my wrists away from a knife?
 
I just don't understand. But God's kept me alive for a reason. It would've been all too easy to let me die yesterday, but I didn't. God put my friends in the way and I kept my sanity for the night. But I honestly don't know what tomorrow will bring.
 
1 Corinthians 2:9 "However, as it is written, 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"
 
--Dexter

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 6 - Comforter

Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
 
Psalm 31:7 "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
 
Psalm 31:21 "Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city."
 
Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."
 
Is there anything more to say? God sees and understands our affliction, our troubles, our sorrows. He sees our weary hearts and He mends them.
 
I'm not gonna lie. Yesterday was rough. My thoughts strayed in a few directions I had hoped to never feel again, and all I can say is that I am so, so blessed to have the friends I do and the God that I do. He didn't leave me broken and shattered, but delivered me into the hands of my beautiful friends. And even if I haven't worked up the courage to be completely honest with them, they still make me feel better.
 
God is so awesome. I still don't feel great, but I just have to trust that God will pull me through this.
 
--Dexter

Saturday, February 23, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 5 - Provider

I chose this word yesterday morning to remind myself that God would provide everything necessary for our big Immanuel performance we had Friday night. Let's just say He was faithful in providing.
 
True, we didn't exactly have a huge crowd. It was storming, and several series of events prevented most everyone I cared about from coming. Katie and I invited our whole Bible Study, but it's mostly made up of college students who are off at an RUF retreat over the weekend. Prince Charming had something else going on. My two cousins couldn't make it into town. My old French teacher probably forgot. My orthodontist probably didn't put it at the top of his list either. I kind of doubt Mr. Hot Stuff was there.
 
But I think the small audience only made it a more intimate experience. I could feel God filling up the sanctuary as we anxiously stood in the wings, waiting to go out for the first dance of the evening. It only got better as we went on. Okay, so there was that one dance where I completely screwed up the arms and Libby turned into a superhero and saved the choreography, and then Mary Katherine accidentally left the wrong headpiece in once... But those are tiny things.
 
I don't know how to explain the Joy of the Lord. It is one of the most amazing experiences in all the universe. During that performance, it rose up inside me and exploded, and I just wanted to shout to our little audience, "God loves you so, so much! Let me tell you how much!" And because I'm a quiet person, and shouting isn't socially acceptable when performing in a ballet concert, I shouted out those words with my body.
 
So many people came up to us after the performance at the reception to tell us how wonderful it was. So many people confessed to crying during that last dance (most of us dancers were too by then). One of the most amazing dancers I know (who used to dance with Ballet Magnificat! and now teaches at Briarwood) came up to me and told me that she couldn't keep her eyes off me the entire time. Apparently she and the director of the ballet school discussed me at length. I got put on one woman's "made me cry list". It was overwhelming.
 
And it is so hard to remind myself that I do not deserve this honor. It's such a privilege to be able to dance for God, and to show others His love. I shouldn't want praise and compliments for my dancing and my smile and my "worshipfulness". If I take pride in my worship, that makes it dirty and unfit. It makes me cringe. To God be the glory, great things He has done.
 
I kind of got distracted there. But the point is, God provided all day yesterday leading up to the performance, and He kept on providing. He will always provide for us.
 
--Dexter

Thursday, February 21, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 4 - Faithful

I knew right from the start htat I would, at some point, use 'faithful' in my worship journal, because God's faithfulness has always been huge in my life. I've never been very faithful to Him, and it amazes me that He's still around for me after everything I've done.
 
I'd be all into God and reading my Bible every day and all this stuff for a while, but would slowly trickle off. I would never make it more than three or four months before finally ceasing altogether. I never stopped believing in God, I just... didn't spend much time with Him. It didn't seem very important to me.
 
But at some point, something would go wrong. My world would shake and I would fall from the quakes. I would scream and cry and shout at God, begging to know why.
 
I was very consistent in this inconsistent relationship.
 
I always have a hard time remembering the details of all those rough nights, but I do remember the first really bad time when I really couldn't understand why my life was like it was. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, and I managed to sob out, "God... Please, please give me a sign." At that moment, I really wasn't sure if He was out there.
 
And it started to rain.
 
I love rain. I think it's beautiful. And since that night, every time I've been seriously depressed, it's rained. True, it's not such a crazy coincidence since I live in Alabama, but I don't think it's meaningless. Maybe God's not sending rain just for me, but I'm sure He has me somewhere in the back of His mind when He orchestrates a great thunderstorm.
 
Like the thunderstorm going on right now. How cool is that? I pick faithful for today, and it starts storming like no tomorrow. I feel like that's a sign in and of itself. The storm outside is so big and so crazy and so wild, but it will pass, and God's still the one in charge. The same with the storm inside my heart.
 
--Dexter

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 3 - Constant

Today's word was Constant. I really think the definition of this word says it all:
 
1. Unvarying in nature.
 
2. Steadfast in purpose, devotion, or affection.
 
3. Continuing forever.
 
It took me longer to settle on this word than in the past two days, but it's a good word. God, the great I AM. He has been, is, and always will be there. Not only that, but He's never going to change his mind. He is constant and consistent.
 
Life's getting difficult right now. We have the big dress rehearsal tomorrow night for the big performance Friday night. My co-worker in the Briarwood Ballet dressing room is quitting, so the rest of us are scrambling to take up the slack as our boss tries to find someone to fill her place. Tomorrow night is the last official Bible study since our leader is moving to France for who knows how long. College prep is crawling along. I have an audition a week from Saturday. The stress is mounting. But it's comforting to know that though everything around me keeps changing and going crazy, God will always be there, and always be Himself.
 
--Dexter

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 2 - Perfect

I'm part of a performing group at my dance school called Immanuel, and we just finished going through Air I Breathe by Louie Giglio, a short little book about worship. At the end, Giglio challenges the reader to do a 30-Day Worship Journal. Each day for a month, you pick one attribute or name of God and you pray about it and read about it and meditate about it and think about it and journal about it throughout the day as you go about your usual activities. You can come up with the word any way you want; maybe it's something you're already thinking about, or maybe you'll find it doing your own quiet time. If you just haven't found one, Giglio recommends flipping to a random Psalm.
 
We're all doing journals. Separately, but around the same time. I only started yesterday, but already it's been really cool talking with some of the other girls about the words we've been thinking about. I write in my prayer journal about it, but I thought it'd also be cool to put some thoughts on here for every word.
 
Yesterday's was Kindness, which I wrote about yesterday before I'd decided to do this every day.
 
Today's is Perfect.
 
Heaven has been on my mind recently, and today I found myself reading Mark 12:18-27. It's not a lecture on Heaven, but Jesus talks about the relationships of people in Heaven. That place has always been a bit of a difficulty for me, because I always hated the stereotypical image of a perfect place. I was filled with the idea of people being happy all the time, loving everyone equally, sedate strolls along golden streets, fluffy floating clouds, and the perpetual sound of harp strumming. I would envision many brainwashed souls, wandering aimlessly with dazed smiles on their faces. An endless landscape of fluffy clouds would be broken only by these zombies and the occasional oversized cloud, not to mention the one neverending yellow brick road.
 
It took me a long time to get over this image and realize that this just proves how incapable I am of understanding true perfection. There is nothing on this earth that comes close to perfect. Psalm 119:36 "To all perfection I see a limit, but Your commands are boundless." That is to say, there is a limit to how good something can be on earth. Nothing and no one can be truly perfect in the way God is.
 
And the more I think about it now, the more I can't wait to see what Heaven is truly like. I try to imagine it and I can't. To stand on the streets of gold and be in the presence of my God? It's a staggering vision! In the words of Mercy Me,
 
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus, or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine.

 
It's funny, because I sort of felt like each day would somehow personify the word I'd chosen that morning. Like it would just happen because God's funny that way. But I wouldn't call this day anything like perfect. But that just makes His perfection all the more obvious, doesn't it?
 
--Dexter

Monday, February 18, 2013

Astounding Love.

It amazes me that I have such an awesome, beautiful, and caring God! That He should be so kind and caring to me, a nobody who's just trying to dance her way through life, astounds me! Psalm 8:3,4 "When I consider your heavens,the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
 
As you know, I had an epiphany a few days ago and decided to try to stop asking God for so many signs. And what does He do? He turns around and gives me encouragement the very next morning, as if to say, "I got you, girl. Thank you for trusting me."
 
Like every girl in the world, I have self-esteem issues. I'm sure every girl could say the same, but I honestly feel like I'm the ugly duckling who was placed in a world of beautiful swans. Not a day goes by when at least one person in my ballet class doesn't get a, "You're so gorgeous" or "You look especially beautiful today!" compliment.
 
I am never one of those people. I accepted the fact that I would never be beautiful a long time ago, and I accepted the fact that there is nothing I can do about it, and I accepted the fact that I couldn't just hide at home for the rest of my life. And besides, it's not like I'm ugly... Just compared to all the beauty in the world, I fall a little short.
 
People say I dance with confidence, and one of my friends even made the comment, "You don't strike me as someone who would get depressed!" I laugh or smile these comments away and am astounded at other people's views of me. Am I that good an actor? No, I don't think so. I think it's just that I genuinely accept the fact that I am not beautiful and I am never going to be a person others will greatly admire. I have tried being beautiful and I have tried mimicking other personalities, and I've always felt crappy at the end of the day. So while I may not particularly like who I am, I know that I can't change it. I've tried so many times and God has always said, "No, Dexter. This is who I want you to be." And I'm okay with that.
 
I'm not sure how to explain my thought process here. I wish I was beautiful, and talkative, and funny, and witty, and likeable. But I'm not. I'm just okay, and introverted, and awkward, and slow on the uptake, and I generally leave no impression at all and get forgotten soon after the first encounter. But since I've tried and tried to change these things and have failed every time, I'm pretty confidant in the fact that I'm just supposed to be the way I am. This is how God made me. I'm okay with that. One day, I hope to be able to proud of it, or at least like myself a little more.
 
So that's your basic backstory for this post. I got a little distracted there, so let me remind you what I'm talking about: signs.
 
We were talking before ballet class last Saturday morning, and I said something about how someone didn't recognize me, which makes sense because I've changed a lot (physically and mentally) in the past two years. I lost weight, cut off my hair, dyed my hair, got braces, got contacts, changed my name...
 
"Yeah you have." Katie agreed enthusiastically. "You lost a ton of weight, changed your hair... and honestly got a ton prettier!"
 
"Yeah!" MK confirmed.
 
I've realized that I have an automatic response to compliments that take me completely off guard. I kind of laugh awkwardly and then say, "Well that's nice." And, if possible, I do some kind of spinny turn because I don't know what to do with my body either.
 
There was a bit of a silence, and then my two friends looked at each other. "And it's so true!" MK said to Katie, and they both gave those laughs they do when they're honestly complimenting someone they care about. And the fact that they were doing it about me made me want to cry.
 
The fact that God loves me so much that He would do something so simple as having my friends give me such a small compliment blows my mind! For some reason it never clicked that God knows all my insecurities and thoughts and half-formed wishes, but He does! And He truly cares. His kindness to me in giving me these friends and this love just leaves me breathless.
 
Oh Lord, how I love Thee.
 
--Dexter

Friday, February 15, 2013

When Farmers Plant Wheat...

Happy Valentines Day! I hope yours was extra special, whether you have a special someone or not.
 
So I've had a crappy couple of days. Yesterday sucked (not because I'm a single girl on Valentines Day, just because) and today I missed out on one of the weirdest opportunites ever.
 
So there's this guy I'm kind of in love with. I'm not talking about Mr. Hot Stuff. This guy's name is Prince Charming (so christened by my cousin). For a long time I hesitated to admit that I actually liked him, because I have a rather cynical view of love and I long ago accepted the fact that I will never have a significant relationship. I have too many trust issues, and I really can't imagine anyone taking an interest in me, let's be honest. I have too many issues.
 
But eventually I had to admit defeat. I have a serious thing for Prince Charming. He's a bit crazy and a bit cocky, but there's still a peace about him that I can't quite explain, and anyone else who knows him would find the word "peace" completely incongruous when applied to him. But he always brings a smile to my face and peace to my mind. Unless of course I'm freaking out because he barely knows who I am.
 
I've felt like I've been in love before, but it's always been linked to music. Two guys come immediately to mind, and both could play musical instruments crazy good. When they were playing or singing, I would feel such a rush of emotion that I could've sworn I was head over heels. But then they'd stop, and I'd come to my senses, and soon feel embarrassed to have ever felt so strongly about a guy I didn't even really like. And that's why I feel so strongly about Prince Charming: up until a few weeks ago, I'd never heard him play an instrument. We have listened to music together once, and our tastes don't really coincide. In fact, we have very little in common at all.
 
And that's why I had to admit love this time around. There's nothing I can blame these feelings on except the stupid boy himself. And maybe his smile. Holy crap, his smile gives me the weirdest flutters all over. I can't imagine how girls handle going through so many crushes through high school and beyond. This is my first and I really don't know what to do with myself.
 
Anyway. I ran into Prince Charming today, but didn't know it. I was parked outside this place waiting for my sister, and there was a car in front of me. I pulled out my book and happily (I say happily, but I was recovering from a crappy yesterday, so I wasn't that happy) read for a while before looking up to see a few members of Prince Charming's family enter the car in front of me. My eyes widened and focused. Yes, the driver's head shape definitely looked familiar. The car started to turn around... Holy crap, it's Prince Charming!
 
And so he drove away.
 
If only I had walked inside the building to wait for my sister, he would've seen me, and because he's that kind of person, he would've shouted out my name and I would've turned around and we would've started talking and we would've talked for a good fifteen minutes because that's how long we were both parked in front of that building. I could not believe what had just happened. I was so angry I could've kicked myself (and I basically did).
 
Some bad days are chaotic bad days, where nothing comes even close to going right and you just have to chalk it all up to a bad day and you don't feel like you could've done anything to make it better. Other bad days are so perfect that you can't believe it worked out like that. These kinds of bad days reinforce my view that there is a God. How else can things line up to go wrong so perfectly?
 
I'm not saying that God is against me. Obviously, I was not meant to have that encounter with Prince Charming. If I had, God would've made it happen. All I'm saying is that this event is book-worthy. This is the kind of thing I can imagine happening in the beginning of a chick-lit novel. The heroine almost gets the guy...but doesn't (not until later, anyway). And all good stories, even the tragic ones, have an author.
 
I read this thing in my Celtic Daily Prayer book that talked about how when farmers plant wheat, they don't stay up all night worrying they're going to get radishes. It went on to explain that it's the same with prayer. You don't fervently ask God for something and then worry that He's not going to give an answer. True, He may not give an answer you like, but He's going to reply.
 
I've always had a problem with worry, and I thought I'd gotten over it. But this made me realize that I only replaced my worry for this world with worry for God. I'm always asking God to remind me that He has a plan, or to show me a sign that it's not all for nothing, or something stupid like that, when Jesus says in Mark 8:12, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it."
 
What I've realized is that I've been so busy begging God to "send me a sign" that I've missed all the little reminders He's sending me every day. In Larry Taunton's book The Grace Effect, he talks about how God is always visible to us, but we have to look for Him. If we don't want to see Him, we probably won't. And it's not that I haven't been wanting to see Him, it's that I've been too busy looking for something else. When I said, "sign", I really meant "make something amazingly wonderful happen please." That's not how it works.
 
I swear these two stories go together. I'm not exactly sure how to put words to the thoughts that link them, but I'll try. My point is this: it kind of feels like my life sucks right now because Prince Charming doesn't give a rat's whiskers about me and not much is going right in my life at this time, but God's still around. I need to stop expecting something besides wheat and remember that wheat is what I've planted and wheat is what I need and wheat is what God's going to give me.
 
I think my analogy may be falling apart. But you get my picture. Maybe. Hopefully.
 
--Dexter
 
PS. Turns out that Prince Charming does play an instrument, and he's freaking amazing at it. As I sat listening to him, I thought two thoughts. One was, Gosh I want to dance to this so bad. And the other was, Gosh I am so screwed.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

I Will Travel The World, I Will See The Stars.

My two best friends and I have great plans for the future.
 
Backstory: two years ago, HK and I first went to Ireland with our dance group. Then last year, we both went again with Katie. This year, Katie and I are going back but HK isn't. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to go back...
 
So we were sitting at Ihop the other night (free pancake day!) and talking about Ireland and France and stuff, and HK suddenly said, "Let's make a promise that in five years, we'll all go back to Ireland."
 
Katie and I, naturally, were all for it. Pact made. But we didn't stop there... "And then we'll stop by France again and visit the Tauntons." "Hey, why don't we just go through all of Europe?" "Oh, we should go to Scotland!" Etcetera, etcetera...
 
So we came up with this plan. The summer after we graduate from college, the summer of 2017, we are going to go to Europe and travel. We'll spend the next four years saving up and then go, no matter how much money we've got. We'll start in Ireland and stay with our friends from previous mission trips, and then go over and spend some time in Scotland. From there, we'll go to London, and then on to France, where we'll stay with some friends who have a villa there (rich people...). Then on to Greece, and a quick stop in Venice... Up to Austria, over to Germany, and then we'll fly back to the states and spend a day in New York before going our separate ways.
 
Yes, this is happening. We all wrote down the list, signed our names, decided how much money we'd need, and figured out what languages we need to learn. We have four years to each come up with $5000-$6000 and learn French, Italian, and German.
 
I cannot tell you how excited I am. This kind of adventure is something I've always half-dreamed out, but never entertained serious thoughts about because when do these kinds of things actually happen to poor people like me? In the summer of 2017, that's when.
 
I should have a video camera by then, so boy will I get tons of footage. Diaries will be a must. Aaaaaah it's still four years away and already we've made all these plans!
 
--Dexter

Monday, February 4, 2013

I Have Commitment Problems.

When I didn't write a single thing for six months, I figured I'd just give this blog up as a lost cause. But I stumbled back across it (while procrastinating, of course) and read through some old posts. My life has gotten much more exciting in the past six months, it seems, and the idea of writing it all out is therapeutic.
 
The real question is: to use codenames or to not?
 
Whatever. No one reads this anyway.
 
Quick summary of the past six months?
 
I auditioned at various colleges, and I've got my heart set on Texas A&M's dance program.
I've got a great relationship going on with this guy who works at Briarwood Church. I call him Mr. Hot Stuff (he finally spoke to me last week!).
I started going to a Bible Study with my best friend, and my sister has started calling it a cult because I spend so much time with those people.
I've decided that love is indeed a double-edged sword, and every once in a while I indulge in languishing about unrequited love. Don't worry, I get over myself as quickly as possible.
I developed tendonitis in my knees because my patella is too flexible. Ouchies.
I have six ballet performances coming up, and my knees hurt.
It looks like hardly anyone I care about will be able to come to one of the biggest performances, but whatever...
The other big performance is going to be Narnia(!) and I got cast as Mr. Tumnus(!). The co-director of the ballet asked me, "How do you feel about cutting your hair, spiking it, and highlighting it red?"
 
You will undoubtedly hear more about all of these subjects if I manage to get back in the swing of writing (doubtful). In the meantime, subscribe to me on Youtube or follow me on Twitter (I'm much more reliable there. Sort of.).
 
-- Dexter
 
ps. I'm still Persy, but I'm also Dexter. I'm trying to match up all my names in life, because I use way too many pseudonyms and nicknames. Unfortunately, 'Dexter' doesn't have that nice alliteration with 'practicing' or 'procrastination', so I may have to come up with a new name.