So I've been depressed lately, we've already established this. But I was getting better and was starting to rise from my depression and a fighting spirit was growing inside me. I was ready for that ballet performance this morning, I was ready for my dance audition this Saturday, I was ready to conquer the tendonitis in my knees, I was ready to get over Prince Charming.
Well, that lasted a day or so.
It's hard to shake depression. It's a clingy, gloomy sensation that insists on making itself known. It may retreat the back of my mind if forced, but as soon as the noise and the friends and the dancing goes away, the depression swaggers back in. I can almost hear its evil laughter as it whispers, "You are mine."
I really was going to get over Prince Charming. I'm not going to be able to see him for who knows how long anyway, so what better time to get him out of my head? I even accepted the fact that he would be gone, because I know better than anyone that I can get kind of obsessive about these kinds of things. My world will start revolving around a person or an activity until it gets a little out of control... So I figured God was leading Prince Charming on a different path, one better for him and one better for me.
But oh my GOSH as soon as I "resolved" my issues, he just randomly started popping up all over the place. After running into each other once or twice, my brain just randomly shouted, "YOLO!" and started... well, indulging itself in fantasies, perhaps? I'm pretty sure Prince Charming now thinks I am the most annoying person in the entire world, because I was all, "This is my last chance!" even though it's not.
But anyway. I got so wrapped up in being upset about him skipping out of my life (or am I skipping out of his? hard to tell with such complicated schedules), that I forgot about my first reason to be depressed about him: the fact that he doesn't give a rat's whiskers about me. I was randomly reminded of this fact only a few hours ago.
I've heard that other girls like him, which, y'know, makes sense because he's amazing. But put me in comparison with any other girl out there, and I'll fall short. It's not even worth calling it competition. So even if, by some miracle, Prince Charming and I were to encounter each other every day, it wouldn't matter. There would always be a prettier, funnier, less socially awkward girl. It's a sobering thought.
So, as I mulled over these thoughts mixed in with worries about Saturday's dance audition, the depression sensed an opening and started to creep in. I know from experience that once depression finds a doorway, it will fill up every crevice of my heart. The smallest thing may allow it passage inside, but once it's there, nothing is safe. I was not letting it in again.
So I grabbed my Bible and opened it at random, finding myself at the very beginning of Job. Instantly, the basic plotline of Job flickered through my mind: tragedy. Throughout all his misfortunes, though, Job remained steadfast in the Lord. "Patience of Job," as they say. I found the differences between Job and myself rather amusing, but unhelpful, so I flipped forward in the Bible, coming to Lamentations. More tragedy. Moaning and crying out to the Lord for deliverance.
Job's life sucked. The people in Lamentations? Their lives sucked. But Job never gave up on God. If he can withstand all the terrible things that happened to him, I think I can conquer this stupid depression just this once. I am not letting it back in over something as stupid and trivial as a boy. I don't care how gorgeous his smile is.
Most of this is all talk. There's no denying that I'm still head over heels for Prince Charming. But as I stared at Lamentations, I couldn't help laughing. This time, there was no dramatic rescue from my depression. Just a gentle reminder from God that other people have had to get through crap before too, and most of it was crappier than my crap. I'm fully convinced that they were all stronger in every way than I am, but that doesn't mean I can just give up.
I'm gonna go to that audition and I'm gonna dance my heart out. I don't even care all that much about getting into this particular college, so I'm just gonna have as much fun as I can. I want to show those people something they may not have seen before. I want to be strong in my God and shine with His confidence and His love. I want to conquer my depression just this once.
I have no idea what God has in store for me. I read into everything, finding signs in the strangest things, and so far all I've figured out for sure is that anything could happen. So I'm going to try one last time to just not worry about it and let God handle it. Me freaking out about it won't help.