Remember how I said that Katie and HK also went and auditioned at Southern Mississippi for the dance department?
Well, neither of them got in. Katie's still going, so we're still rooming together, but... she can't be a dance major.
That was a rough day when I found out about that. It was last Thursday, actually. I was incredibly stressed out because I know how important dance is to Katie. She dropped everything to pursue dancing, and I was sure she'd just feel like all her dreams had been crushed. It's like every time she has tried to do something with her dancing, life just smacks her down and shouts, "You can't dance!"
Maybe she's not a perfect dancer. But she's still amazing at modern and she's amazing at choreography. I mean, seriously. Her choreography is amazing.
But the hardest part about all of it was that I knew I wouldn't be able to do a single thing to make her feel better. How am I supposed to comfort her or tell her it'll be okay when I did get into the dance program? Not only did I get in, but they moved me up a level in ballet classes based on how I did in the audition! If I were to say, "Katie, it's going to be okay," she would respond, "Of course it's going to be okay for you. You're perfect." She might not say it out loud, but I guarantee she'd be thinking of it.
She and HK apparently had a sleepover that night while I was freaking out and telling The Captain all about the problem. The next day, HK confided in me and said that Katie was pretty upset and that she'd actually said, "I just wish I could be Dexter. She has it so easy." Which confirmed my insecurity. And also confirmed that Katie has never quite caught on to my problems, which isn't really a bad thing.
I think I was more depressed that day than she was. She showed up to ballet and was fine. And that was after I'd had a mental breakdown, hid in the studio kitchen, and played with pointy objects. But yeah.
Anyway, fastforward to yesterday. Katie choreographed a dance for her Senior Banquet Talent Show thingamajig, and the first couple of times I watched it my only response was, "Aw, that's so cool. She aces choreography yet again." But then later she told me that it was kind of her testimony about how she had wanted to dance so bad but now everyone was telling her she couldn't.
And then I started listening to the words of her song and I almost started crying right there as I watched it. Because it was so beautiful and so sad. I don't want Katie to be me because no one should have that thrust upon them, but sometimes I wish so bad that I could give her my dancing. I always wanted some kind of confirmation of my dancing ability, and now that I keep getting it this year, I just wish I could get rid of it. Because it's not fair.
I hate it.
Both HK and The Captain told me (separately), that I put my own feelings aside and let myself go for other people, because when my friends are in trouble, I hurt just as much as they do. And both of them said it wasn't even a bad thing, but that it's not my responsibility to make sure other people are okay. But how am I supposed to be okay if they aren't?
I pray for them every day, but sometimes I don't think I trust God to take care of them. It's kind of weird, but... I just feel like if I don't keep an eye on them or think about them or pray for them or worry about them enough, something will happen to them. But God's got them, doesn't he? He's holding them tightly in his hands and he's not going to let them go just because I stop freaking out.
I tell myself all of that, but I don't think I'll ever be able to relax. I just want them to be okay.
I just spilled coffee all over Starbucks.
This day is going fabulously.