Friday, March 29, 2013

Running Low On Emotions.

So apparently The Captain somehow found this blog and read it. I wrote a lot about Prince Charming. The Captain hasn't gotten so much attention.
I'm going to try to make sure this newfound knowledge doesn't keep me from being entirely honest on here, because this whole time I've been operating under the assumption that no one I know is reading it, unless it's a specific post that I share with people. I didn't expect anyone to actually read other posts.

So I have this interesting problem with overreacting, but it's kind of nice because it always hits when I'm unable to do anything about it. By the time I can take action, I've realized how stupid I've been and I no longer want to start a riot. Sleeping on your problems is a beautiful thing, let me tell you.

All that happened is that last night someone told me something and I kind of freaked out about it because I have self-esteem and confidence and trust issues all with a healthy dose of insecurity. And by the time that had happened, I was already super tired after a long day and a little emotional because it's just that time if you know what I mean, so all this added together equals a very stressed out Dexter.

But I couldn't really do anything about it last night, and I had an inkling that I was overreacting anyway, so I resolved to just go to sleep and if I was still upset in the morning, I'd track down the culprit and get an explanation out of him. But I was fine this morning. I could even admit that he was kind of right about what he said.

Here's the thing: I get emotionally tired very easily, but sometimes I don't realize it. I'll spend a lot of time with friends or doing stuff or dealing with ballerinas, and I get to a point where I just can't take it anymore and I'm no fun to be around. Sometimes I'll be so caught up in it all that I won't realize my emotions are run dry and I'll think that if I just keep going it'll come back eventually. It's like I expect my friends to fill me back up. Admittedly, sometimes that happens, buuuut... that's not really how it works.

But then again, if I'm left alone for too long when my emotion tank is on empty, I sometimes get filled with the wrong sorts of emotions, if you know what I mean. I don't always trust myself when I'm alone, especially when I'm tired and stressed and emotional. Bad things come out of those days.

But I also have a phobia of being clingy. Because I know that's what I am, deep down inside. I'm a clingy and jealous and suspicious girl, and I don't want to use my emotions and "bad days" as excuses to make other people hang out with me. You know what I mean. "If I'm alone, I might doooo something!!" Yeah, yeah, whatever.


I think I got a little sidetracked there.

This feels awkward. I feel like there's someone listening in on our conversation. *peers around for The Captain*

What was I saying?

Oh well.

The POINT is, that I'm running low on emotional energy and I need a break. And that God knows this, so He's giving me a break, but in an... encouraging way. It's hard to explain without getting into specifics and the last time I tried to do that I wrote a complete mess at 3:00 am that will never be published. Ever.


Friday, March 22, 2013

My Life Is Weird.

There was a circular rainbow in the sky today.
No, really. It was like a bubble surrounding the sun. Y'know those bubbles good old Glinda has? It was like that. Sun bubble. BUBBLE OF RAINBOWS. This picture doesn't do it justice.
I'd never heard or seen anything like it before, and, in a strange way, it kind of sums up my life right now: weird, and like nothing I've experienced before. But still beautiful and amazing and obviously a sign that God's hanging around orchestrating this grand performance we call Life.
So a lot's happened since my last post about all the weird things in my life, and I haven't written a new post because I could never figure out what to say. And I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to say, but I've got to get it out there.
I got myself a boyfriend. There, it's out there.
Which boy, you may ask? There were four mysterious men, weren't there? Turns out, there's only one for me *sappy cheesy blushing girlfriend moment*. And that one turned out to be The Captain.
I know, I was obsessed about Prince Charming. I seriously stalked Mr. Hot Stuff for a while. the same time, neither of them were ever really attainable, and I knew that. Even if they were both to fall madly in love with me, it wouldn't work out. We're too different. A nice smile and a good sense of humour isn't enough to base a relationship on (I'm looking at the Prince, here).
Slightly more detailed backstory on The Captain: his past I mentioned earlier? It's that he used to date one of my best friends only a few months ago. They were only together a few months, but... it's still weird. I was really stressed out about the whole situation (I didn't eat, I lost weight, it was pretty bad), and I'm pretty sure I was considered the Briarwood Slut/Homewrecker for a week or so at Briarwood, but it all worked out and hopefully no one thinks I'm just an awful person, because it is a long and complicated story.
The best part is that HK, the best friend in question, is one of the most excited people about this relationship. She is incredibly gungho when it comes to me and The Captain (I think she's secretly been wanting us to get together since right before she broke up with him). Like I said, the situation is unique and complex and not as bad as it sounds. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with it, and tonight's one of the first times when I've been basically at peace with the whole thing.
Not only was I worried about The Captain's surprising ease at getting over HK and moving onto me so quickly, but I was also worried about being the girl after HK. She's basically perfect. I don't see how any guy who once had her would be willing to settle for me. The Captain and I had a conversation kind of about that tonight (though I didn't go outright in saying that he lost a perfect girl and then got me as replacement), and... I feel better. I won't go into details (I'm such a tease, I know), but the situation keeps getting better.
And that's what's up in my life. I'm still kind of stressed out about school and dance and college and what the rest of Briarwood thinks of me, but... I'm also okay. When I'm with The Captain, I'm okay. And I'm confident that God's got His hand on me and The Captain and that He's in control of this situation. That's all I want right now.
Does this make sense? Probably not. But I just wanted to say it anyway.
PS. Another plus of the situation: Mr. Stalker hasn't texted me since I updated my relationship status on Facebook. Score!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Remember When I Asked If Things Could Get Any Weirder?

The answer is yes, yes they can.

Admittedly, some things have calmed down. Those striped yellow pants? Basically out the door. The artistic director of the Briarwood Ballet decided that the material just wouldn't work, so he's going to find something other than drapery fabric (I basically looked like a hot air balloon).

That medical emergency? Cleared up. My friend is fine, thank the Lord. I swear that girl is superhuman.

The boy problems? Weeell... this is where things get weird.

Before this year, I had no drama, no boys, and no interest in them. It was a bit boring, but I almost miss it now. Because now, it's like a freaking sadistic dating sim. Prince Charming, Mr. Hot Stuff, Mr. Stalker, and The Captain-With-A-Past. I'm trying to come up with a better name for him, but so far that's the only one that fits. The situation with him is a little complicated, and if I go into details, things would just get a little too obvious (because my codenames are so cryptic).

Prince Charming's basically out of the way at the moment. The chances of running into him are very small, and I kind of like it that way. Mr. Hot Stuff I'm pretty sure knows that some random ballerina at Briarwood is stalking him, and that's probably why I haven't seen him around Briarwood all week (he's been taking a lot of lunch breaks). Mr. Stalker is just...well, awkward. We've exchanged something like two words, and all the sudden, several months after we first meet, he starts texting me so much. And it's the most awkward conversation ever. I don't understand why he keeps going. And then we have The Captain(-With-A-Past). Like I said, this is a strange situation and I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's a lot of fun and we have a lot in common (unlike every other player in this dating sim), but...complex situations.

And then there's the bizarrity of ballet. We've had so many rehearsals for Narnia lately, I have choreography swimming around my head. I'm in basically every single dance of one scene, and I have little "jigs" spread all throughout the dances and my own main solo and my dance with Lucy and then also the battle and I do random things at the coronation and I'm pretty sure I won't remember a single thing I learned today because I'm so sleep deprived. I've gotten very little sleep in the past week, mostly due to muh boy problemz.

My ankles also hurt. And my toes. And my knees. And my head. And my stomach. I couldn't stop trembling during my one-hour break of my eight-hour rehearsal today. I'm hoping that'll just go away.

Well, whatever. Life's just getting a little exciting, that's all. Jump in, make mistakes, get messy? Sure, why not. God's got it covered. He's probably sitting up there grinning to Himself, thinking, "Enjoying yourself, Dexter? I did this all for you. Trust me on this." I trust You, God. I can't wait to see how this ends.


Friday, March 8, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 10 - Creator

Job 38:4-13 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone -- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in the darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This is far you may come and no farther; here's where your proud waves halt.'
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?"
Take one long, good look around you. Peek out the window. Raise your head. Open your eyes. Listen. Touch. Smell. Taste. God made this. He didn't just follow a pattern, He made the pattern. And the more you look at it, the more amazing it is. The more you study the workings of this world, the more astounded you will be. So much variety, so much genius and creativity. Our God is insane!
John 1:3 "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."

Thursday, March 7, 2013

30-Day Worship Journal/Day 9 - Patient

I put God through a lot. I'm a handful. A whiny, needy, broken handful of trouble. I don't know why He puts up with me. I can't understand such patience... I barely have the patience to sit through a 45-minute class of 4-year-old ballerinas.
What more can I say? Not much (but mostly because I'm not in an expressive mood).
My life has taken a bizarre turn lately (striped yellow pants, friends with medical emergencies, boy problems, y'know), and I'm kind of just sitting back in shock. I'm not freaking out, exactly, I'm just kind of... observing. Waiting to see what more can happen. I'm curious, in fact. Will things settle down? Will they escalate? Will these abnormalities become everyday?
Perhaps God is testing my patience and showing me all the marvels of His creation.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

My Last College Dance Audition.

A few hours ago I got home from what should be my last college dance audition. I'll probably have more auditions in the future, but hopefully none of them will be to get into a college dance department.
At first, I wasn't nervous at all, because I wasn't too interested in the University of Southern Mississippi. USM was my Plan B at that point. But after taking the tour and figuring out numbers and thinking about things, I realized that USM is actually pretty awesome.
They've already given me a scholarship which won't cover everything, but covers a lot. Add my financial aid in, and I'll pretty much be okay. I'll need a job on campus, but one of the students we talked to said it's really easy to get a job on campus.
Plus, their dance department is really good. They're very centered around modern, but they still have plenty of ballet. And apparently, they've started doing pointe classes once a week for the first time in five years. Most days students have two dance classes, one ballet and one modern, and they have all kinds of assignments and dancing opportunites. It sounds like a real challenge, but a challenge I need.
Aand it's not too far away from home. Right now, my other college option is Texas A&M, which is 12 hours from home. I wouldn't mind so much, except that I really want to be able to come home fairly often to see old friends and attend Briarwood Ballet performances. If I was in Mississippi, it'd be a piece of cake.
So after thinking about all of these things, I started to get a little nervous about the audition, but I tried to maintain my cool. I tried to go in wanting only to dance. I must say, I think I did well. I felt fairly relaxed, for the most part, and really enjoyed all the dancing and the teachers. Which is saying something, since I was dancer #3.
If you know anything about dance auditions, you know that when you check-in, you are given a number and you pin that number to your leotard. The class is organized by number, so once you start doing things in groups, it'll be "Numbers 1-8, then numbers 9-16," etc. Being in the first group is torture. You have the least amount of time to learn the combinations. And I was #3.
There were only 16 dancers, so we went in groups of four. That made it very intimidating, being one of only four people standing in that huge studio. It's kind of a stupid feeling, though. I mean, you want the judges to look at you, right? But anyway, I feel like I did pretty well, aside from a few mishaps such as the "Jesus" pose... so christened by a girl in my modern class at Briarwood. Long story, but suffice to say that I suck at it, and we had to do it in a combination.
And then there's the matter of solos... USM requires each dancer to perform a one-minute solo. Since I was #3, I had to go near the beginning. I actually choreographed a pretty cool solo, if I do say so myself. I was proud of it. And I forgot the last half of it.
I don't know what my problem was today. I got my angles messed up some time after my shoulder roll and then I guess I got confused and then just blanked out. So... IMPROV!! I honestly can't remember what all I did, but I'm pretty sure it was boring as heck. But hey, I still enjoyed it. My basic thought process was this... "Um, what am I doing again? Dancing. Can't remember the next step. Oh well. Use your ribcage, there you go. Better roll here. Good. Aaah, dancing! Thank you, Lord, for letting me dance! Maybe if I look inspired they won't notice that I have no idea what I'm doing! Oh, the end of the song is coming up. Throw in a cool arm and look satisfied. Good job, Dexter."
And that was my audition. I should get my results in mid-April.